Sometimes ... I hate myself!

Dear Dan, You were a total ass today. Hate, Yourself!

Thats how i kinda feel right now as i'm about to end a night that could have been absolutely wonderful. Why didn't it turn out the way i wish it did or the way it should have? Because i was a total ass to someone i absolutely love and adore, my girlfriend! I can't tell you the type of person she is and the type of person she makes me feel! She is so sweet and caring and has been amazing to me the past few weeks. I could go on forever talking about all the good things about her and why i fell in love with this wonderful person, but the only thing that is running through my mind is how i treated her tonight. I said something that was absolutely uncalled for. I said something that may or may not be a negative to her or to anyone. But what i said made it seemed that she was classified as a type of person she isn't. As i think about it i finally realized what I've done. I hurt her feelings. I pierced her emotions and i may have made her questioned her feelings for me :( I'm an idiot. If there was one person in my entire life that has made me happier, smarter, more out going, more willing, more disciplined, flat out has brought the best out of me in every aspect .... and who could make me fall in love with them, then its her! Its Arielle Mecham. And its because of this fact that i have these feeling about her that really makes me sick to my stomach that i would do this to her. She doesn't deserve that and she never will. If anything i am in debt to her for so much that she has done for me. Well now i'm gonna give it back!

I didn't get a kiss goodbye, we didn't even share an "i love you!" and its because i didn't deserve to hear it from her. Not one bit! I deserve every sense of hatred, anger and/or "courage" (spanish word) that she had built up after saying what i said. What she did ask was for me to change it, and fix it .... at first i didn't know what on earth i was going to do to fix this one, what i was going to do to change it all. Whatever it is i need to do to fix it, and change "ME", i'm going to do it. And as scared as she may get or she may be in this relationship, Im in love with her! And until she has a damn good reason to break up with me or the Lord tells her that i'm not the one and no one else, I'm hers!!! All i can do is LET IT GO! Because i'm hers, i want to be hers and i hope she wants to be mine. This means that shes only going to get the best. Shes going to be happy every minute shes with me. I'm gonna put a smile on her face every moment i'm with her! I'm going to make sure that she knows shes safe with me and that nothing will ever happen to her. I'll never let her forget that i love her! That shes the person that makes me want to be more like Christ. There isn't more that i could ask for in a woman, its all in the one i love now. So heres to you Arielle ......... Heres to me running with you! Giving 100% every day were together. Making you feel like the queen you really are. Allowing you to know that i am absolutely in love with the most BEAUTIFUL AND GORGEOUS AND SWEETEST girl i have ever met in my entire life! I'm yours baby ... and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Best Things Ever and Why: A little bit about "ME"

Last night really sucked for me and it really brought me down to a point where i didn't want to have any contact with one single person ... including my wonderful girlfriend! Sad story i know, good think it didn't last all day because i don't have the will power to put myself through such torture. Seriously though, I did not want to be around anyone all day. The reason being is because i went to bed at 3:30 in the morning because of some negative thoughts that came to my mind and couldn't get rid of. Waking up this morning was a joke because i really wanted to take my rifle and shoot the first Mexican i saw. So ... i realize this post is super negative so I'm gonna talk about what made it a little bit better.

I titled it the best things ever because today the only thing that really could put me in a good mood was thinking about all the fun recreational activities i use to do how it made me feel. Obviously i can't do all of them now because i don't have the time nor the money but looking back at everything i use to do and the rush it gave my life ... those things were the BEST THINGS EVER!

1. HUNTING: My greatest past time is waking up early in the morning well before the sun comes up, grabbing a quick pastry for breakfast, dressing up in warm camo, grabbing my gear, jumping in my truck and heading out to the great outdoors and being able to see the sun rise with all sorts of wildlife roaming around you.  Words seriously cannot describe how peaceful and at times spiritual it is being out there that early and enjoying what you've just surrounded yourself with. And of course there's the whole "killing the animals" ordeal  about hunting. If only everyone could have that experience of actually acting as a predator and understanding the pattern of an actual animal in order to make a kill. There's the terrain, the timing, the elevation, tracking, stalking, scouting, feeding, bedding, source of water, the smell, the vision. Not only that but the time you have to train in order to hike almost 15 miles a day in the mountains. And there will always be the rush of making eye contact with the one your hunting, and making sure your every move is perfect! Your heart starts beating, your adrenaline starts pumping through your veins. Your breathing so hard its hard to make the next move, but you have to! Then the moment of truth when you have the animal in your sights and your shaking! You take that last DEEP BREATH to keep you from moving and finally pull the trigger not knowing if you hit it or not. You wait and you wait and you wait until you start moving to check if theres blood. You see blood, but its until you have that dead animal in your sight when you can finally say, "Hell ya!"

2. SPORTS: What more can i say? I'm an athlete. I'm super competitive and i'm motivated by winning. I know what your thinking, "What a dumb jock! Thinks he is so much better then everyone else just because he can maneuver a ball." It really isn't that at all. Sports to me was a way for me to push MYSELF to reach a potential and if i lost it was because the other guy trained harder then i did. I love to train! I love pushing myself to my limits and realizing the progress i'm making. Makes you feel like a champion, seriously! Knowing that your in top shape, your healthy, and you'd be okay in times of physical needs. When it came to an actual competition i always loved being looked down upon and after a "W" looking at them and thinking, "We're (or I'm) Strong, Faster, Better, and more disciplined then you are and i just proved it! LOVE IT!!! Not to mention all this training allows you to have a pretty good looking body :) Right Arielle and Abbie!?!? 

* The top picture is when i was awarded my two varsity Letterman as a freshman in soccer and volleyball. And the bottom picture was one of my takes when i was voted most athletic for senior best. 

3. MOUNTAIN BIKING: Obviously this isn't me in this picture and of course its not in Arizona. It isn't me because well, i'm taking the picture. And were not in Arizona because Breck and I are in Ogden, Utah our senior year to ride for a week. So why is Mt. Biking amazing? It because once again ... 1. your outside and 2. its another activity to test your physical endurance. Okay so ... your looking at a mountain range and you say to yourself "i can do that!" You jump on your bike and you reach the first hill and .... FAIL! YOU SUCKS! You turn around and go home. Biking is so much fun going down hill, but you gotta go up before you go down. TONTOS! You train and train and you go back and you dominate all the hills and then next thing you know your at the top of the mountain looking over the valley, slipping agua (water) from your camelback, and chewing on an energy bar and say, "Thats right mountain, i just dominated your sorry a$$!" Down hill is always fun! I personally like the 5 foot drop offs and the sharp turns with the high lips that practically allow you to be parallel with the ground instead of perpendicular. Going down hill so fast that you eyes start to tear and then the next thing you know you are at your truck and you just finished a full body workout and you burned some fat! WICKED! Now your in shape and you gave yourself a little confidence boost. LETS GO RIDIN'!!! :)

few more ... this is fun. I hate you for this Abbie!

Actually i change my mind. Thats enough for now maybe i'll continue with it next time. They are fun though i promise! If you want to find out i'll take anyone sometime. Just dont laugh super loud when were hunting .... The aminals get pissed off and wont come play :) jk babe. Chao!