I created this blog a little over two years ago while I was dating my wife Arielle. It ended up being a little journal for me to write about everything that was occurring in my life at that time. I realized that I was "Blogging" about things I didn't really want everyone to know about; what I was doing and the things that would occupying my mind. Now I want to start where I left off. For those of you who know me, know that I have a difficult time expressing myself and this was a way for me to do so. I hope you enjoy what you read :)
The Influence:
Exactly 4 years ago, at 10:41 a.m. I was sitting with two of my best friends talking about life after the mission and the many goals that we wanted to pursue. At that moment I receive a phone call. I noticed that it was my father calling me for the second time that.This was after his first call which was full of worries with negative updates of my older brother Kameron who was in the ICU fighting lupus. This second call was a call I will never forget, it was the call that would change me for the rest of my life. There has only been 4 times in my lifetime I have heard my father cry, this was one of them. I could hear in my fathers voice that he was trying his best to keep the tears back, but it was too much. The only words he said, backed up with tears and a cry was "I'm sorry Dan, he didn't make it." My loving father had just lost his first born son.
This was exactly 4 years ago from today the 19th of August 2009.
As I was looking for pictures of my older brother, I fell upon this photo that brought me straight to tears. My brother's son, Kason, was only 2 years old (he is 6 now almost 7). Every anniversary of my brothers passing I think of him the most! I can always see my brothers eyes in his, I can hear his voice, and I can see his personality! I love this little boy more than anything at this moment. Although he his far away from me with his wonderful mom and dad, the spirit always overcomes me. It's an assurance from my brother that Kason is doing just fine and that he is very proud of his son :)
But the question I wanted to answer is a questions i've been asking myself for the pass four years and am now able to answer....
Did Kason understand? Did Kason realize what was going on?
Since the passing of my big brother there has been many of my family and friends whose had a close one pass away. The majority of them with children. From members in the military and border patrol to parents passing away from sickness at a young age, my thoughts and prayers have always been with their children in mind. I've always wondered, are they going to be okay without their mother or father? And today it came to my mind again, I wonder if they went through the same thing my nephew Kason had to go through?
Let me explain ...
If you look at the picture you will notice a few things
1. The position he was sitting in
Kason was only two years old, but he knew who his father was, and he also knew what his father meant to him. Kason also knew that he was in a hospital, and he knew that it was a place where sick people went to get help. I knew that that little boy retained EVERYTHING that his mother and family were teaching him while in that hospital. Only a few days of being there I arrived at the hospital only to see Kason run up to me to give me a big hug. These were the words he said to me while I carried him. He said, "Danno guess what? We're at the hopital! Its where sick people get better. Daddy is getting better here!"
That little boy knew that daddy was very sick. But that wonderful little spirit of his was so in tuned with the spirit of God that he was immediately comforted. In this picture Kason wasn't in tears, there wasn't anyone holding him to prevent him from doing something stupid. Kason just sat there next to his best friend, his daddy. He was calm as could be because of one reason ... Kason knew!
This moment remind me of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in many ways. That moment when our Savior asked the Father that the bitter cup may pass, He wasn't alone. Michael, whom we know was with Christ through many occasions was there to comfort him. A typical two year old in an ICU unit with all these machines and blinking lights, and daddy laying on a bed couldn't be able to sit there completely still and calm without help. Not even my little nephew Kason. And that was because he wasn't alone, the Lord was right there with him. My nephew knew what was happening, and he wanted to be there to comfort his daddy.
2. Kason's look.
In this picture Kason isn't looking at the machines. He isn't looking to either side. With his head slightly cocked back, his look and focus is on one thing ... Dad. Kason probably noticed that his father was sleeping, but he probably also noticed that tubes coming out of his mouth and nose. But he never said anything about it. I am 100% certain that my little nephew wanted to say something to his father, but daddy wasn't able to speak back. Although no words were exchanged, we all knew that there was something Kason had said, "I love you dad."
For many who have had a close one pass away, we all have something in common. The challenge isn't hard when you see your loved ones sick or suffering, the challenge is when they are no longer there. I believe it was the same for Kason. Kason was so in tuned with the spirit, and we all needed him to. My parents often reminded me that I was the strong one spiritually shortly coming off the mission, but it wasn't me, it was Kason. His spirit was held our family together and it was his spirit that kept our faith and testimonies strong to the Lord's Plan of eternal families. But things changed after the 19th. The day my brother passed away we all went home in Sierra Vista. Still in unbelief of what had just happened I started to hear Kason crying with mom upstairs gathering some stuff. I wanted to help but i didn't know what to do. As my sweet sister-in-law Jami came down stairs carrying Kason crying like i've never seen, he screams out three words i've never heard him say while his dad was sick. He screamed, "I WANT DADDY!" :( I remember breaking down in tears while my older brother Matt came over to give me a hug of comfort. We all know that in our life time just like our Savior, we must experience what its like to be without the spirit. That may have been one of those times for my nephew who had just lost his father.
Trials come to all of us no matter the age. And although Kason may not remember these instances when he grows up, his spirit will, and so will mine. The spirit was with Kason when he needed it the most ... when the rest of us needed it. And if it weren't for him our family wouldn't have made it. I know I wouldn't have, but I did. Thanks to you Kasonito.
3. The Touch (I can't hold my tears any more for this last one)
Many people have heard the phrases, "A father's touch" or "The touch of a child". This picture is just that, "The Touch". I can't help but look at this picture and mourn for this strong little boy who was about to loose his best friend. :( I'm sorry to go on a rant, but my brother wasn't suppose to die only two months after coming home from my mission! My brother wasn't suppose to leave behind his two brother without seeing them get married in the temple! My brother was not suppose to leave the love of his life and beautiful wife alone here on earth nor his beautiful little boy without seeing him hit his first home run or get his first kiss! My father wasn't suppose to feel the agony that his father went through of loosing his first born son! My mother wasn't suppose to see her eldest boy suffer and fight so hard for his life! And Jami sure as hell was NOT suppose to be a widow and a single mother at such a young age!
Not one of these things was suppose to happen ... but it did! It did because someone said it could and another person approved.
My Father in Heaven had a plan, and it included everything I just mentioned. It's obvious that none of us were prepare nor saw any of these things happening, and it's something that I have since accepted and appreciate. But who approved? Who said it was okay for this to happen at this time? Who said that the time has come and everything would be okay?
Kason did ...
Look at Kameron's hand, and look at Kason's. Kameron was near death but was holding on. Not wanting to give up because he didn't want any of these things to happen. But in this picture someone had a strong hand. Kason's hand. Kason alone reached over the rail to grab his fathers hand, brought it close to him and held onto that single finger (every father and mother knows that feeling). He isn't just touching his father but he's clasped onto him. Sitting there calm with the support of the spirit and his little eyes fixated on his daddy's face squeezing his finger, and without saying a word the two year old Kason says these words to his father with his touch,
"Daddy I love you! I miss playing with you! I miss watching baseball with you! I miss singing with you and mom together! I miss reading the scriptures with you at night! I want you to know I love you daddy! But I also want you to know something else dad ... everything is going to be okay. You don't have to fight any more. Father needs you to teach His children the gospel. You can let go now dad, I'm going to be just fine. Mommy and I are going to be just fine! She loves you daddy! Your brothers will get married in the temple. Grandma and Grandpa are going to be so blessed. I'll be worthy daddy I promise! I'm gonna go on a mission! I'm going to make you proud! You can go Dad! I promise you that everything is going to be okay! I love you Daddy! You're my best friend!"
When we think they don't understand when they pass away .... we're wrong! These little spirit we have in our lives are more tuned to the spirit than we ever wanted to be. There is nothing more important in this life than to provide physical bodies for our Father in Heaven's children. And while there are here it is our responsibility to learn from them. I believe that the spirit of my Nephew now even though living in Germany, travels a far way to Utah to remind me of the type of person the Lord wants me to be. The experiences that my family went through has allowed me to fully experience the blessings of The Great Plan of Salvation! I know many of you have children and love them so much! I want to thank you for loving them. :) They grow so fast and learn so much. And just as Kason kept us and continues to keep us together, I know that's what every child can do for our families. We just have to Come To Realize (CTR) and allow them to teach.
For those of you who have lost a love one. I commend you for the progress you have made. I commend you for sticking true to the testimony you had once cultivated at a young age. And I love you for being that single parent of those kids that remind you so much of your passed loved one. To you I say "don't stop"! Keep doing what you are doing because there are more people rooting for you who are along side your deceased loved one than there are here on this mortal world. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a source that always brings the type of happiness that's eternal. It's the type of happiness that everyone seeks and that you deserve. May those who have passed know that we miss them with all our hearts :) and may we make them proud by making decisions that will bring us back to their presence.
Here is to you Kam :) I love you big brother!
Thanks for reading!
